Stop Fighting Your Teenager: How to Help Them Want to Make Good Choices

It's 10 PM and you're standing in your teenager's doorway for the third time tonight.

"Did you finish your homework?"

"Not yet," they mumble, eyes glued to their phone.

You feel that familiar surge of frustration. Tomorrow morning will bring the same battle about getting out of bed. Next week it'll be the same argument about eating something other than chips for lunch. The cycle never seems to end.

As a pediatrician, parents consistently asked me variations of the same question: "How do I get my teenager to ___________?"

• eat better
• get more sleep
• get off the screen
• stop vaping
• do their school work
• exercise more
• clean their room

I understand the desperation behind these questions. You've probably tried everything: asking nicely, reminding then demanding, bribing, threatening and finally taking away privileges. Maybe some of these tactics work in the moment, but they don't create lasting change you want. Plus, nobody enjoys the constant battles—not you, not your teen.

The Question That Changes Everything

After years of watching families struggle with this cycle, I learned to offer parents a different approach. This was reinforced by reading a book I highly recommend to all parents: "The Self Driven Child" by William Stixrud, PhD and Ned Johnson. Instead of asking:

"How do I  get my child to ___________?"

Try asking:

"How do I help my child want to ___________?"

This might seem like a small shift in language, but it represents a fundamental change in approach—and it can transform your relationship with your teenager for the better.

Why This Reframe Is So Powerful

When the desire to take action comes from within your child, they're far more likely to do it consistently. This is intrinsic motivation—motivation that comes from inside them rather than from an outside source - you, external rewards or punishments.

Think about your own life. What habits do you maintain consistently? Probably the ones you genuinely want to do, not the ones you're being forced to do.

A teenager with intrinsic motivation wants to complete their homework because they're invested in their learning or achieving their future goals. They want to eat healthy foods because they notice better athletic performance, clearer skin or better mood. They want to get enough sleep because they've connected it to better grades and how much they enjoy their day after a good night's sleep.

The difference is ownership. When teens feel ownership over their choices, they follow through.

The Science Behind Why This Works

Human beings—especially teenagers—thrive when they have a sense of agency. Agency is the ability to make your own meaningful choices and take purposeful action.

When teens have agency, they experience:

• Higher motivation to follow through on decisions
• Increased sense of control over their lives
• Better physical and mental health outcomes
• Reduced anxiety and stress

On the flip side, when teenagers feel controlled or micromanaged, they often push back or shut down entirely. They lose motivation.  Think about how you feel when you're stuck in traffic—that lack of control creates stress and frustration. Teenagers experience similar feelings when they're constantly told what to do.

Real Examples of How This Looks

You're trying to get your child to eat better.

Traditional Approach: "You need to eat breakfast every morning. I'm not buying any more Pop-Tarts. From now on, you're eating eggs and fruit."

Intrinsic Motivation Approach: "I've noticed you seem really tired during your morning classes lately. Have you noticed any connection between what you eat for breakfast and how you feel during the day? Want to experiment with some different options and see what works best for you?"

You want your child to go to bed earlier.

Traditional Approach: "No more screen time after 9 PM. I'm taking your phone."

Intrinsic Motivation Approach: "You mentioned wanting to make varsity next season. I read that sleep really affects athletic performance. What do you think would help you get the sleep you need to perform your best?"

Notice the difference? The second approach invites your teenager to connect their choices with outcomes they care about.

Four Ways to Foster Your Teen's Intrinsic Motivation

1. Support Their Autonomy (Even When It's Scary)

Give your teenager opportunities to make their own choices and experience the natural consequences. This doesn't mean abandoning all boundaries, but it does mean stepping back where you can safely do so.

What this looks like:

• Let them choose how to organize their study schedule instead of dictating specific homework times
• Allow them to experience being tired after staying up late, rather than constantly reminding them about bedtime
• Let them pack their own lunch and notice how they feel when they choose chips versus a protein-rich meal

Your role: Be available for guidance when they ask, but resist the urge to rescue them from every poor choice.

2. Create a Supportive Home Base

Teenagers need to feel safe and connected to feel motivated. When they're constantly defending their choices or feeling judged, they can't access their own internal motivation.

What this looks like:

• Ask genuine questions: "How did that math test go? What was the hardest part?"
• Acknowledge their efforts, not just results: "I noticed you've been working really hard on that project."
• Create regular opportunities for connection without agenda—car rides, walks, checking in before bed

Your role: Be curious, not critical. Show interest in their experience rather than immediately offering solutions or judgments.

3. Support Their Strengths and Interests

When teenagers feel competent at something, they're more likely to take on challenges in other areas. Mastery in one domain builds confidence that transfers.

What this looks like:

• Invest in their passions, even if they're not your chosen activities
• Help them find ways to develop skills they're interested in
• Connect their interests to the behaviors you want to see: "Since you love cooking, want to plan some meals that would give you more energy for your workouts?"

Your role: Be their biggest supporter in what matters to them, and help them see connections between their interests and healthy choices.

4. Encourage Self-Reflection

Help your teenager develop the skill of noticing cause and effect in their own life. This builds their ability to make informed choices.

What this looks like:

• After they try something new: "How did that work for you? What did you notice?"
• When they experience consequences: "What do you think contributed to that outcome?"
• Regular check-ins: "What's been working well for you this week? What's been challenging?"

Your role: Guide them to their own insights rather than telling them what they should have learned.

But What If They Make Bad Choices?

This is every parent's fear (me included): "If I give them more autonomy, they might make terrible decisions that could be bad for them."

Here's the truth: they're going to make some poor choices whether we're controlling them or not. The question is whether they'll learn from those choices or just get better at hiding them from us.

When teenagers have agency:

• They learn faster from mistakes because they own the consequences
• They're more likely to come to us for guidance because they don't feel judged
• They develop the critical thinking skills they'll need as adults

Remember: our job as parents isn't to prevent all mistakes. Our job is to help them develop the judgment to make good decisions when we're not around.

Start Small and Be Patient

You don't have to overhaul everything at once. Pick one area where you've been struggling and try the intrinsic motivation approach:

• Instead of nagging about homework, ask what their biggest challenge is with getting it done
• Instead of setting strict bedtimes, ask what would help them get the sleep they need to feel their best
• Instead of controlling their food choices, invite them to notice how different foods affect their energy and mood

The Long Game

Building intrinsic motivation takes time. Your teenager might not immediately embrace this approach, especially if they're used to external control. They might test boundaries or make choices you wouldn't make.

But here's what happens when you stick with it: your teenager starts developing genuine self-discipline. They begin making choices based on their own values and goals rather than your approval or disapproval. They become more resilient, more confident, and more capable of handling adult responsibilities.

Most importantly, you stop feeling like the food police, homework monitor, and sleep enforcer. Instead, you become what your teenager actually needs: a trusted advisor and supportive presence.

Moving Forward

Intrinsic motivation can only come from within your child, but there's so much you can do to help it flourish. When you shift from trying to control your teenager to helping them want to make good choices, everything changes.

The homework battles decrease. The constant negotiations fade. Your teenager starts making decisions that align with their own wellbeing because they genuinely want to, not because they have to.

This doesn't mean parenting becomes effortless, but it does become more collaborative and a lot less exhausting. And most importantly, you're raising a young adult who knows how to take care of themselves—not because someone is making them, but because they want to.

This blog is part of my mission to support parents raising healthier, happier kids in today's world. Come connect with me at www.sheilacarrollmd.com.